Thursday, December 17, 2009

Time for something different

So I’m two weeks behind in my blogging. Oh well. The last few weeks have been extremely hectic, and have yielded major changes and over 40 hours of driving time up and down Florida’s east coast, with a weekend trip to New Orleans thrown into the mix. I’m writing this post at 32,000 feet while on my way to the Arctic Tundra (ok, Minneapolis) to spend a few days with my parents before leaving for my next adventure. I’d post this at cruising altitudes as well, now that the airlines are finally offering wifi, but I can’t bring myself to spend $13 for two hours of internet use.

Aside from all the travel, I’ll admit that I’ve been blocked on a topic for this entry. Perhaps it’s the result of the decisions that I’ve made as of late and the accompanying emotions and stress. For months I’ve been announcing that my next move would be to Rio de Janeiro, but not just yet because of X, Y and Z. The truth is, however, that X, Y and Z are merely excuses. I’ve been stuck in a strange limbo for months, uncertain about what I want to do and scared to move forward and try on a new path for fear of repeating past mistakes. Thankfully, my partner, who sees through my bullshit and who regularly calls me out on it, gave me the kick in the pants that I needed to start moving. After the excuses were nullified and the tears subsided, I saw clearly that as usual, I was being my own worst enemy, my only impediment, and I made up my mind to be in Rio by the end of the month. The most difficult part of this decision was to leave for Rio a few months ahead of my partner in order to get organized and find my rhythm, leaving behind the comfort of the familiar.

Why is it that we resist change so much? Because it’s difficult. Often when I’m encouraged to try something different I assimilate it as being pushed and my shield immediately goes up. Especially when I’m encouraged to follow what I want most deep down and when the person insisting is someone that loves me. The same goes for receiving feedback about my writing. I believe that my tendency has two causes, although a therapist might tell me otherwise. First, there is the problem of resistance that I mention in my first post; because change is difficult, my mind undermines me by finding every reason imaginable not to change. The second part isn’t so clear to me, although I think it has to do with being incredibly stubborn and wanting to do things my own way. In any case, I’d like to practice NOT having this reaction, as I usually wind up in tears, and instead find a more productive way to receive suggestions and feedback. I have a feeling it’s going to take a few attempts.

I’ll write again from Minnesota, the land of small trees and big people, assuming I don’t freeze to death on the drive home from the airport. For now, I’m enjoying the hum of the plane reminding me that I’m on the move, at the start in a new chapter filled with incredible potential for greatness.

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