Sunday, September 19, 2010
Moving forward, staying present
I built a fire today. Granted, it was done in a fireplace and not by rubbing sticks together, but nevertheless I built a fire all by myself, without guidance or even someone to bear witness. And my sense of achievement is noteworthy. The perfect way to end a truly inspiring weekend.
My blog has been abandoned for several months now. I can blame a lack of time, but in all honesty, I've lacked motivation. I've been blocked and uninspired and unwilling to make time to organize my thoughts into an eloquent set of paragraphs. And much of this is due to the greater overarching block that has been impeding me from moving into my truest and most fulfilled self.
I've made significant changes in my life in the last year for the sake of letting go of expectations and judgement-others' and my own-in an attempt to discover my true purpose in this life. A year ago almost to the date I submitted the final version of my master's thesis and promised myself that from that point forward, my decisions would come from the heart. On my birthday, one month later, I swore to myself that this would be my year- that by October 27th, 2010 I will have made major strides and will be on a clear path to success, fully engaged in something I love. No pressure, right? In January I took space for myself and moved to Brazil in order to jump-start my life there on my own terms. At the end of June I returned to the States, my overachieving self certain that I would have things figured out within a matter of weeks. What a load of crap. I was going through the motions but utterly terrified of change and of the possible outcomes and was therefore stuck on a treadmill, frustrated that I wasn't moving forward. I had been crying for months-literally-and couldn't stand myself anymore. (Needless to say I strained the patience of my dearest loved ones in the process; I cannot begin to express the breadth of my gratitude for your uninterrupted love and support!)
Something clicked in the last few days. Last week, an unexpected opportunity arose to attend the Squam Art Workshops in beautiful New Hampshire. A few months ago I would have never considered attending something like this-I wouldn't have let myself. Perhaps because of my state of desperation, this time I felt compelled to step out of my comfort zone and do something just for me, just for the hell of it. The internal debate was brief, facilitated by my yearning to experience another New England fall and the "subtle" persuasion of a dear friend, and I said yes to the universe. And as what usually happens when you say yes to the gifts of the universe, things start to shift. After four blissful days at Squam, immersed in nature and surrounded by some of the most creative, inspiring people I've ever met, I finally feel that something has been unleashed. I can't explain it, but I feel that now, one year after completing a master's that I admittedly did in order to fulfill my own expectations for prestige and merit rather than to satisfy my passion for understanding the complexities of international relations, I have taken the hand-break off. I am finally on the right path and for once calm about letting go and giving into the process.
Special thanks to Jen, Helene and Michelle for your amazing classes and the wonderful energy and encouraging words you shared, and to Elizabeth, for creating this magical space.
I don't know where this is all leading, but for the first time ever I'm excited about enjoying the ride.