Monday, October 18, 2010

System failure

Let me preface this post by sharing that I am currently immersed in Squam love on the beautiful Outer Banks of North Carolina, hypnotized by sound of the waves and the creative energy all around me. I feel myself being catapulted yet again onto another plane. I'm finding myself and connecting with amazing souls. Few things could make me feel happier or more at peace. Especially after last week.

"El que mucho abarca, poco aprieta." Loosely translated, he who carries too much can't get a good grip on any of it.

I've always considered myself to be a good multitasker, but I've realized that in truth, at least during this stage of my journey, that's a load of crap. I need to concentrate on one thing at a time, do it well, and move onto the next thing. And I need to stop taking on work that hampers my process and leaves me ragged. It's just not worth it.

It's a standard problem of freelancing, learning to balance your time and trust that if you say no to one opportunity (paycheck), another will come around. In the last few months I completely over-committed, delusional about the number of hours in the day and the amount of time I need to complete my work and still have time for myself.

Last week I hit my breaking point. I took two steps backward in terms of progress on my internal process by putting my own needs on the back burner as I struggled to juggle my various freelancing projects. I accepted "one last gig" for a certain project that has caused me absurd levels of physical and emotional stress in the past and, not surprisingly, I became instantly sick. (I get it. That one really was the last one.) Finally, I dropped the ball on a project for someone that really believes in me. As a recovering perfectionist and manic approval-seeker, I'm having a very hard time forgiving myself for this one.

I think I'm finally done banging my head against the wall and have learned the lesson. I'm making it public to keep myself accountable. If I need money that badly, I can start selling blood plasma.

2 comments:

  1. Oh how amazing that you get to attending Squam again, say hi to everyone and may you sink into the connection with others and nature.

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