Sunday, May 8, 2011

Letter to self

You're close, but don't fool yourself; you still have a ways to go.

Sure, this time you managed to pull yourself rather quickly out of the hole-- you know, that hole you keep falling into, over and over, and every time you do you ask yourself how the hell you got there again, after all the lessons, all the struggle to learn from your mistakes and all the proclaiming to the world that you have evolved, all to misstep yet again and find yourself in that place of feeling utterly stuck, lost and without direction. That place where doubt and fear rule without mercy. This time you actually utilized the momentum gained from the ass-kicking and simultaneously grasped hold of the relentless drive provided by a new friend in order to, as your dear coach has been encouraging you to do for months, get out of your head and do something tangible-- to prove to yourself it's real. You got your body and mind into motion and are already feeling pulled by the inertia you've created. You're still a little scared but you're excited and starting to feel like all of this is finally shifting, the tires have stopped spinning in place and have caught a little traction, just enough to push you to the next level. This is good. But don't get ahead of yourself.

There is still no denying the fact that you're terrified of selling yourself to the world, complacent sitting around waiting for *them* to magically discover what you have to offer without you having to put yourself out there. Your fear of conflict, your incessant need to please others and your inability to say no still get the best of you most of the time. You rarely contact those friends you still proclaim to be your closest, and it kills you that your partner makes it look so damn easy.

You feel satisfied with the newly vacuumed house and clean sheets, yet you let the filth on the car build up in such a way that you "suddenly" couldn't see out the windshield driving home this afternoon. You really need to get around to refilling the wiper fluid, by the way. And please-- next time don't let four days of sweaty running clothes accumulate in the hamper. It's just gross, and a little embarrassing when your uber-clean mother-in-law stops by and asks what smells like garbage...

And let's face it. You are NOT the gardening type. It wasn't a fluke that you killed the cactus you were gifted your first year at MHC...

Nevertheless, you're trying. I commend you for that. You're learning to prioritize-- sort of. And for the most part you're taking care of YOU. Brava. If you can keep building on this, if you can keep pushing forward and little by little adding to the list, a regular call to Granny perhaps, or learning how to use your own website, then you'll really become unstoppable. You'll overcome the fear. You'll REALLY believe in yourself.

And I'd offer you a pony if you were to actually pull this off, as I know the power of bribery works wonders on you, but let's face it: at this point in life, you'd much rather have a chow chow...

1 comment:

  1. Jennifer C (OTM)May 9, 2011 at 7:26 PM

    I identify...I send you love to uncover the grace inside of yourself.

    Let your light shine because it's blindingly bright <3